Is this a good start?

Posted on Июль 18, 2009. Filed under: wow |

Question:

is this a good beginning of a book I am writing?





«Oliver, time to get ready for school.» I got up with my eyes closed and fell off. I opened them and the calendar was right infront of my noise. I looked at the picture of a poodle. My dream has always been having a poodle since I was five. Now I am twelve going into seventh grade. Everytime I ask my dad and mom they say no. They think that dogs are smelly and bark to much. Once I used a spell to make a dust bunny into a poodle, but it turned into a bunny. My dad took the gun and shot it. They don’t like anything that has fur. When I was born I was almost got shot. Luckly my grandma was there to save my life. Shes the only one that says I can get a Poodle.


«Oliver, if you aren’t down here in one minute, I am going to take away your wand.» I looked at the date finally and noticed that it was the first day of school. I though the calendar at my closet. I got up and went down for breakfast.


«Good morning Oliver.» My mom greated me with a plate of pancaks. I growled at her.


«Wow someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.» My granda good mornings are allways a quote. I got up and ran to get a hug from her.


«Hi grandma.»She stopped and pointed to my food. I went and sat down and she sat infront of me. My grandma is my favorite person in the world.


«Can I have some food please.»


«Yes ma.» My mom gave her some pancakes.


«So Oliver, are you exicited?» No, school stinks here in Terry Montana.


«Yes I am, can’t wait.» I tried to make it sound confessining, but grandma wasn’t buying it.


«Here come with me.» We went in her room and we went in her closet. Her closet is a room. There is a bench on both sides and her walls are mirors. It’s just like her own store. It has isles and some tags are still on some clothes. She drew a pitchure of it and I used my magic to make it what she wants. Since I don’t have a closet I store my stuff in here. I just take up a corner.


«Pick what you want.» i ran up and down the isles looking, but I didn’t find anything. I sat on a bench and looke down this one isle. Grandma walked down the isle with a brown jacket with a pink shirt that had a peace sign on it. I picked it up and got my wand out.


» Too big, too small, make it be the correct size.» It shrunk and I put it on. I put my wand on the chair.


«Thank you grandma. hey can I just wear checkered pants?»


‘Do what you want.» I went in my corner and got out a pink and brown checkered pants thatmatched and put it on. i ran to my grandma and gave her the biggest hug. She is a life saver. I went in the bath room and brushed my teeth. I spit and it went on the counter.


«Man, now I have to clean that up again.» I got my wand out and pointed it to my spit on the counter.


«Clean up the mess and make it sparkle.» I put my blonde hair up in half up and half down hairdo. I went in the kitchen where grandma was making my lunch.


«Thanks grandma, but I was thinking about buying today.» She nodded.


«This is for me you silly you can get what you want at school.» She handed me my backbag and shoved me out of the house. I ran to the bus stop. When I got there my best friend susan was there and hugged me.She has duty brown hair. I couldn’t breathe.


«Okay can’t breathe. She let go and held me to take a look.


«I didn’t know you had that shirt or that jacket.. Oh.» She knows that I am a wizard. I told her the first day of third grade and took me for advantege. she made me make her lunch, give her free outfits, and so many things. Then I stood up for myself and now she doesn’t. We have been best friends since first grade when she she moved here from Chicago. Grandma sometimes forgets that we aren’t sisters, so she says go get your twin or why spend the night when we live with each other. We always laugh. We have so much history. Once we were at the north pole playing tennis with two penguns that were twins. There names were Garret and Cody. They were so funny. We had a snowball fight with the penguins and susan though a fish on acident and it gave poor garret a black eye.


We were putting our stuff in our lockers. She has one right next to me. I got my wand out and looked around. there was no one here so I pointed it at my locker.


«Too big, too small, make it be the corrct size. » It grown and made it into a room. I went in and waited for Susan to follow, but she just stood there staring. It had a desk and four bean bags.


«Susan, want to share?» She nodded and she put her stuff in a shelf. I put my stuff in an empty shelf. We got out and sat on a empty chair. I looked at my cell phone and I got five text messages from grandma.


I love you.


Good luck!


Text me when you got your locker.


Hows Susan?


No magic. Opps, I already used it. being a wizard is awsome, but it gets it downs. I replied her.


Opps, she’s good, love you allways. I went to my locker and though my cell phone in. I sat next to Susan, and she pointed over my shoulder. I turned a


Answer:

Since you are asking only if it is a good beginning I won’t mention the punctuation, spelling, and grammar. All those can be tightened up in a rewrite anyway.





As a beginning it isn’t good. You don’t have anything there to really grab the reader; a boy gets up and falls down; not the epitome of action. You need to open with something that really grabs attention, even if it’s a scene from further into the book that builds some suspense or in other ways will pique the reader’s interest. You’ve only a got a page or two to ‘get’ them and I am certain that you can find a better place, or a better way, to begin your story. Turning a dust bunny into a real bunny could work as a beginning if you open with the action of the spell ‘happening’ and proceed to the father shooting it.

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