Is this a good beginning for my story?

Posted on Май 16, 2009. Filed under: wow |

Question:

The gardener woke up and went to the hospital. Yes this is it, the gardener worked in the hospital, or in another way the hospital’s garden. He was called Emmett. Strong building, but short, white hair and a beard. He wasn’t only a gardener but also an information seller. For example, patients ask him which is the best orthopedic here and he gave help. This was his main income: The tips.





Wow! Time has flown. It was nine, people would now move out and he would have the cleaning job. He worked on schedule, a very active man. Now he was moving on to the chemistry lab. The chemistry lab in which Alfred and Bonnet sat for hour, from eight am. to nine pm., working on the chemicals. Elements, compounds mixed up all around. Emmett’s most difficult job, cleaning the biggest mess in the hospital: the chemistry lab.





By the time he entered it, it was eleven already and he was really sleepy. Carried every thing, including test tubes, from the floor to the tables. Now cleaning the dust on the floor. He was doing it when he smelled something, like a fire. Wow it came from a test tube on the table. He was confused and suddenly he mixed up some of the test tubes together.





Thanks god, no witness. Now he should put the matter in these test tubes into the empty beer bottle so that he isn’t accused for anything. After all the chemical was the same color as beer. He would have got fired for that. Any way this was the last room and he was then going home.


+++





Alfred and Bonnet were Greek Americans. They are both twenty four. Born in California. When at school, Best in everything in studying. Always competitors in school. Their favorite subject was science. They fell in love in high school. Both, as pioneers, were taken to Yale where they learned Chemistry. They are now living in Seattle, working in «Evergreen Hospital Medical Center» doing researches. They’re Married. No kids.





«Bo, darling. Do you think Dr. Thatcher will approve us to go apply for trials? I think he will!» Alfred was asking Bonnet after a long silence in the room. «Alfred! I told you. I’m not yet 100% sure that it is safe and I’m not risking somebody’s life for it.» She screamed while combing her blond hair. «Fine» he said while wondering why was she so conservative.


Answer:

that was very good welldone:D





you need to be careful because you have some grammatical errors in it, read over it and I’m sure you’ll pick some up they are not too bad anyway. it sounds like a nice beginning to a very good story and i for one, would love to read it.





the only other thing I’d like to say is something i myself have a problem with when writing my stories. i try to get a lot of information about the characters personality and appearance first because i think that the reader should have a clear visual idea of what the character looks and generally is like first, however in the text it comes across as forced.





i have now learnt to let the information come across naturally and you’ll find that it will come fairly quickly through the story.


maybe you can have someone looking in the mirror and admiring their silky black hair for example or maybe they can be wallowing in self pity when they look in the mirror for example….


My brown hair looked especially greasy today, i hadn’t washed it in about a week and Josh would be coming over in an hour!





sorry i couldn’t think of something else on the spot:P





but overall welldone, try to fix those few grammatical errors and let the information come across naturally.





ps: love the name emmett


(L) xxtwilightxx(L)

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