Does this sound like a decent story? Please comment!?

Posted on Май 9, 2009. Filed under: wow |

Question:

i just got really bored and wrote this! what do u think?





I knew being with him would cost, but I had never imagined this.





When I moved to Peachtree Georgia I never thought I’d meet him. I’ve always been told to expect the unexpected, but still this was still pretty unexpected.


Well lets start from the beginning.


I woke up from only a few hours of sleep. I checked the time and rolled back over in bed. How could I possibly drag myself out of bed when I felt like, like this?


“Bella! Are you getting up?” I heard my mom, Audrey, yell from downstairs. I groaned. “I told you, if you need one more day to unpack your stuff and get settled you can.” Audrey yelled. “No, I’m going.” I sighed; I guess I should go ahead and get the first day out of the way. I kicked the blankets unto the floor and stumbled out of bed. I stared at myself in the mirror, and sighed again. Maybe today would be ok, not as bad as I had thought. Ah, who was I kidding, I’m a new girl now; no first day is going to be okay.


I opened my unpacked suitcase and threw out a pair of jeans, a tee shirt, and my old brown jacket. I don’t like getting dressed up, not for school anyway. I ran downstairs. Grabbed a protein bar, and ran out the door.


Gosh, I thought. I really could use a car. It was only the first day but I knew I couldn’t stand walking to school every morning. I was not going to ask Audrey for a car, how ridiculous.


As I walking into the big brown door of the school, I had mixed emotions. Part of me was excited to see where I’d be spending the next 3 years of torture at, yet the other half wanted to crawl back in bed. A girl with two long blonde pig tails eyed me down, making me feel very uncomfortable. Wow, this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Every girl I saw was wearing a skirt. Couldn’t Audrey have told me about this? She knows I hate dress and skirts. Well, I guess I’d given them something to notice. Witch is a bad thing to me. When I walked into the office I was greeted by a tall stern looking man. “You must be Emma.” He asked. “Yes.” I replied. He handed me a scudule of all my classes. “Thanks.” I said taking it and turning for the door. “Wait.” He yelled after me. I turned around. “Let me give you a little world of advice, you don’t want to get in trouble around here. Do your best not to get involved with certain people.” He said, leaning his head toward the desk, where a mysterious looking guy stood. I just nodded, “That’s all.” He said. I tried to make sense of his words. The guy he didn’t want me to be around was the one I felt like I needed to be around.


I slowly walked to my first class- gym. Great. My worst class is my homeroom. The gym was big and full of people. I made my way threw the crowd and sat down on the bleachers. I could feel all the attention I was drawing in. I hated it. Just as I was about to get up a friendly looking guy walked toward me. “You must be new?” He asked. “Yea.” I said. “I’m Matthew. And you are?” He asked. “Isabella. Well, Bella.” I asked. “Hm. You any good at basketball?” Matt asked. Shew, He had more questions than I had answers. “I’m not sure.” I said with a slight chuckle. “Right.” He said and walked off. Wow. Great way to end a convosation Bella. I wanted to kick myself.


My day went by slowly. It was only 12:00. Lunch was in 10 minutes and I had no idea where I was going to sit. Only 2 people had spoken to me so far. Matthew and a girl named Amy. She was nice. I hated to invite myself to tables. I had made up my mind; I would simply sit at the nearest empty table! Alone.


I walked into the cafeteria. Hoping to see a empty table. Lucky me there was one. I quickly sat down and bit into my apple. When something caught the corner of my eye, him. The guy at the desk this morning. The one Mr. Burkes told me to stay away from. My heart started pounding out of my chest. He was not about to sit at my table was he? He did. I didn’t look him in the face, or at all. I just looked down at the floor. “Are you going to say something?” He asked. I didn’t know what to say, so I said something I bitterly regret. “Are you?” As soon as it escaped my lips I realized I had supplied another question- not an answer.


Answer:

For someone who’s 12, doesn’t look too bad. I’ll give you some tips.


-Grammar checking.


Well lets start from the beginning. «lets» should be «let’s» because it’s short for «let us».


«Witch» should be «Which».





How could I possibly drag myself out of bed when I felt like, like this?.


It isn’t necessary to repeat the word «like» here.





I ran downstairs. Grabbed a protein bar, and ran out the door.


Combine these sentences together. «I ran downstairs, grabbed a protein bar and ran out the door.»





For speaking, start a new line for each person.





Also, who’s «Emma». Could that be a typo? Or is Bella your character’s middle name and she prefers being called by that or something?





By the way — are you a Twilight fan? I can sense an underlying inspiration from the story, like the name «Bella» and the man advising her not to involve herself with certain people. Edward, anyone?

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